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ashley

[ website | Barefoot and in the Kitchen! ]
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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2006|09:25 am]
ashley
going to georgia portland.



that's all, really.
wish me luck, and wish for the cat not too be too lonely.
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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2006|06:09 pm]
ashley
[mood |crazycrazy]

i have been in an absolutely manic state of creativity lately and, while on the one hand it is really cool and interesting, on the other hand it is a lot to handle. i don't know where this came from, but it has literally been keeping me up at night, to the point where i get 5 or so hours of sleep and then have to wake up and go to work. today at ak i just started thinking of stuff to do, and theorizing in my head, and it was so intense i had to take little breaks every few minutes to write things down so i didn't lose them or go insane expanding on these ideas i'd never be able to articulate again.

most of this, from today at least, takes the form of what i've decided to call "an ongoing conversation with myself concerning the terrifying and crucial issues of self-love, free-love and non-monogamy".

this stemmed, i guess, from the wendy-o-matic book 'redefining relationships', which kathleen had mentioned she wanted, and which i got from ak press. i gave to it her, but read a few pages first and sort of skimmed it. this in itself is a breakthrough for me, fortunately and unfortunately. up until right now, yesterday, i have been so neurotic about love and sex and relationships that merely seeing that book at the warehouse made me want to hyperventilate. this is sadly not an exaggeration. it is extremely unnerving to me. this isn't to say that i'm not still completely dysfunctional and insane, but it is to say that now i am beginning or at least trying to face it in some sort of meaningful way. i'm sure it will be a long time until i see any tangible progress with myself, if ever, but i think now is a good time to start trying to face these inexplicable demons of mine.

i generally agree with the idea of non-monogamy and open relationships, but i've never had a serious open relationship myself, and usually when i've thought or heard about it i've been in a serious monogamous relationship, and it makes me feel extremely threatened and vulnerable and so i choose to set it back down and deal with it 'later', for my own sanity/comfort. now that i've already been thrown into relationship chaos once in the recent past, i know that this is my big opportunity to make some mental progress before i have a chance to throw myself into the same old situation again.

i don't have any well-defined theory, or even feelings on this whole subject yet, but they are forming, and i've been trying to hold onto the thoughts i've had so i can refer back and at least trace my own logic, while trying to come up with something that makes sense to me. i'm typing up this shit that i wrote down frantically on scrap paper at work so that i know where it is. it may be a luxury to worry about lifestyle and identity politics, but i have that luxury and so i must deal with them.

usually i would save this sort of pseudo-intellectual, stream of consciousness groping for my own private journal, but i would really like some feedback and ideas on it, if people have any. not on the writing, obviously, but just your experiences. i seem to know a lot of people who have open relationships work for them, and some who insist on monogamy and have that work for them, and i feel like i really need to talk to people about this, while i am receptive and thinking about it and not having a panic attack. so, if you feel like it, i'd love you to tell me how you feel about the issue, anyone reading this.

here's a nice cut cos this is so goddamn longCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2006|05:26 pm]
ashley
a huge picture of my dreads, mostly for saraCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jul. 3rd, 2006|10:04 pm]
ashley
[mood |ohh man]

haha... ha....

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060703/ap_on_he_me/obesity_depression


read the headline!! ah!!!!!
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2006|09:53 pm]
ashley
i was looking through pictures just now and felt compelled to post some, since i never do. and yes, the best i could come up with was me eating a burrito. all my best pictures involve burritos.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
this was in san diego about a month ago. yep, i'm fat and i have fucked up teeth. and i totally like this picture.

we went on to find out the rice wasn't vegan, after about 12 vegans had eaten at the damn placeCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2006|05:44 pm]
ashley
[music |gravy train!!!]

it is really unreasonable for me to be so excited about this, but i just made some really awesome food and for whatever reason, i am...um... totally excited. i got a bunch of fresh veggies from the farmers market that is right near my new apartment, and decided i had to do something constructive and combine them into a lunch/dinner of deliciousness.

i'm going to put it into the third zine, i think, and call it "hippie shit: getting back to our roots (and greens)". because it is such total hippie shit. it is probably the healthiest thing ever known to man, or at least me, and i am really impressed by its nutritional value.

slice thinly and stir fry with braggs liquid aminos and olive oil:
beets (red and/or golden)
baby red potatoes
onion
garlic
carrots
rainbow chard

sprinkle with nutritional yeast, sesame seeds and maybe some pepper and salt and mix into brown rice. the beets make the rice (and kind of everything else) turn this really beautiful deep magenta, and it is so fucking good. and hey, aminos, nutritional yeast, olive oil, brown rice, garlic and greens in one meal? it's the perfect food.








ahem. anyway, sorry if no one else cares about this, or if you all already knew that you should stir fry all these things and be all healthy and in touch with the earth and your body and whatnot. whatever.
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(no subject) [Jun. 11th, 2006|04:40 pm]
ashley
i am sitting in the library on campus, unable to make myself do any kind of work except for half heartedly searching cruzcat to find some more resources for the 12 page research paper due on friday that i haven't started. damn. and i can't check out books to take home, or watch any films, because i forgot my fucking ID. way to go.

i've been all over the place lately, staying with seth, and sarah and mike and jessie. last night was a good show, mostly because i only watched spell it out and the helm. they were really good. we went to saturn with the helm and it was a little bit awkward, but not really, which was especially funny.

i have felt way shitty lately. just sort of mildly sad all the time. i think i go through phases of thinking i'm ok with things, with life, and then things catch back up to me and i realize, no, that really is shitty and i really do not feel good about it.
i've been having bad dreams, about betrayal, and physical pain.
i decided i'm not going to make any more efforts to call rosie or stop by her house until she calls me. i'll call her once before i move. it's gotten to the point where it's just ridiculous that i put in so much effort and she puts in so little, so to avoid further making an ass of myself, i have decided to stop.
i don't like feeling unstable, and i don't like feeling trapped, and somehow right now feels like both. it'll be better once i actually get into my place in oakland officially. but i feel really sad and jealous and resentful that everyone i know is doing amazingly fun things over summer and i am not. i may get to go to the portland zine symposium in august, if i am very lucky, which i really want to, but that would be the extent of my travelling for the rest of the year.

mountain goats are tomorrow. jessie and i are making cookies, which i am really excited about. i will probably cry, and i hope not to feel too bad, just because the mountain goats will always remind me of a really painful time in my life.
requiem is on wednesday, then again on friday, and i will probably cry then too, only because they are so powerful and beautiful to me, and i am excited.

i want to leave the library, but i comitted myself to being here for another hour or so. i have not gotten any work done, i have taken advantage of having the internet instead. i'm glad to know i only have one more paper to do, but i know i am still going to stress about it. i don't have much time, and not having the internet or a stable living situation makes it much harder.


also, i've been riding my bike a lot. i hope i don't die trying to ride it everywhere in oakland.
i hope life gets better than i think it will.
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(no subject) [Jun. 8th, 2006|11:59 am]
ashley
[mood |disgusted]

i am sitting in the lounge at the college 8 cafe, trying to finish a paper that needs to be done by 2:00, and the two biggest pieces of shit in the world are sitting here, 5 feet away from me, completely ignoring the fact that i am studying, or even here, talking about being arrested for drunk driving, dating, wanting to be treated like a princess and trying to find boys who they can leach off of, being bad girlfriends, sleeping with guys who are with other women, and one declared that she was 'moving up in the world' because she now has some guy friends she hasn't fucked.

i realize that these are normal people, normal college seniors, going out into the world, working and living with and like all the other middle class college graduates, on the track to marriage and babies asnd further ruining the human race and the world in general. and it is amazing.
i cannot deal with regular people. i know this, but sometimes i am reminded and can't fucking take it.
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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2006|01:04 am]
ashley
life is crazy.


this is my last night in this house and i'm kind of sad.


there is too much to write about and too little time, so i won't bother.
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2006|11:05 pm]
ashley
[music |d&v]

i am afraid that i have carpal tunnel syndrome and am going tto have to kill myself.

i think it's been ridiculous amounts of bass playing as of late, and the sewing as of always. so, if that's the case, i feel that suicide might be my only option.




also, i just made a really awesome bracelet/wrist cuff weird thing out of part of a bandana, some scrap fabric, and dental floss. it has a skull and a heart embroidered on it.
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