||[Jul. 18th, 2006|06:09 pm]
i have been in an absolutely manic state of creativity lately and, while on the one hand it is really cool and interesting, on the other hand it is a lot to handle. i don't know where this came from, but it has literally been keeping me up at night, to the point where i get 5 or so hours of sleep and then have to wake up and go to work. today at ak i just started thinking of stuff to do, and theorizing in my head, and it was so intense i had to take little breaks every few minutes to write things down so i didn't lose them or go insane expanding on these ideas i'd never be able to articulate again.
most of this, from today at least, takes the form of what i've decided to call "an ongoing conversation with myself concerning the terrifying and crucial issues of self-love, free-love and non-monogamy".
this stemmed, i guess, from the wendy-o-matic book 'redefining relationships', which kathleen had mentioned she wanted, and which i got from ak press. i gave to it her, but read a few pages first and sort of skimmed it. this in itself is a breakthrough for me, fortunately and unfortunately. up until right now, yesterday, i have been so neurotic about love and sex and relationships that merely seeing that book at the warehouse made me want to hyperventilate. this is sadly not an exaggeration. it is extremely unnerving to me. this isn't to say that i'm not still completely dysfunctional and insane, but it is to say that now i am beginning or at least trying to face it in some sort of meaningful way. i'm sure it will be a long time until i see any tangible progress with myself, if ever, but i think now is a good time to start trying to face these inexplicable demons of mine.
i generally agree with the idea of non-monogamy and open relationships, but i've never had a serious open relationship myself, and usually when i've thought or heard about it i've been in a serious monogamous relationship, and it makes me feel extremely threatened and vulnerable and so i choose to set it back down and deal with it 'later', for my own sanity/comfort. now that i've already been thrown into relationship chaos once in the recent past, i know that this is my big opportunity to make some mental progress before i have a chance to throw myself into the same old situation again.
i don't have any well-defined theory, or even feelings on this whole subject yet, but they are forming, and i've been trying to hold onto the thoughts i've had so i can refer back and at least trace my own logic, while trying to come up with something that makes sense to me. i'm typing up this shit that i wrote down frantically on scrap paper at work so that i know where it is. it may be a luxury to worry about lifestyle and identity politics, but i have that luxury and so i must deal with them.
usually i would save this sort of pseudo-intellectual, stream of consciousness groping for my own private journal, but i would really like some feedback and ideas on it, if people have any. not on the writing, obviously, but just your experiences. i seem to know a lot of people who have open relationships work for them, and some who insist on monogamy and have that work for them, and i feel like i really need to talk to people about this, while i am receptive and thinking about it and not having a panic attack. so, if you feel like it, i'd love you to tell me how you feel about the issue, anyone reading this.
( here's a nice cut cos this is so goddamn longCollapse )